The Cost of Change

"I know this is not the life you would have chosen, but it is the life that chose you.
And you cannot deny the possibility, that some other force is guiding you."
-The Dead Zone

I often wonder how my life would be different if just one or two events had gone another direction. There are so many things I would change if I could go back and do life over. Maybe that's why I've always been so fascinated by books and movies that involve time travel, or people waking up as their younger selves. So often, I just want to go back and "fix" everything.

But when I reflect more on everything that has led up to this point, I don't think I would give up who I am today in exchange for a more pleasant past. This is a recent development, because I know a year or two ago, I would have made that trade. I don't fully understand what has changed. While I can't say that the wounds have healed, perhaps the pain has become more manageable since then. I'm sure that's part of it. I think what has had an even more significant impact, though, is the realization that those experiences were needed in order to open my eyes to the world around me.

I'm not saying that "God has a plan" or "everything happens for a reason". I've seen too much in my life and others' to believe that those type of statements are useful or even necessarily true.

What I'm trying to say is that my broken engagement and loss of faith, while not experiences that I would have chosen, have helped me to find my true self. I finally believe it was worth everything that has happened to get to where I am right now. And that's a major milestone for me.